Anger, sadness, fear and confusion are natural and appropriate responses to trauma. These feelings may linger, and typically come in "waves" of emotion that crest and subside. Kids work through their feelings much more effectively and quickly if they do so in the context of a safe and loving community. Allow them to feel their emotions while you remain at their side.
Kids react differently to trauma. Some may begin to act out in aggressive ways, others tend to withdraw. It's important to re-engage them in their normal life and activities as soon as possible, with you standing by their side. Accompanying them while they get "back to normal" provides an assurance that they are not alone in what they are feeling and facing.
From a brain science and developmental perspective, touch has tremendous impact on kids - that's why inappropriate touch is so harmful. Conversely, tender and loving touch is a great gateway to healing. This is the time for lots of hugs and hand-holding.
When you speak with them about the tragedy and what they're feeling, let them drive the discussion. Don't answer questions they are not asking. Rather than focusing on any details of an event, it's better to focus on what the child is feeling. If they can't put it into words, perhaps they can draw you a picture. Ultimately kids want to know two things - am I going to be OK and why did this happen? Assure them they are going to be OK and be truthful concerning the why question. Sometimes we don't know why bad things happen to good people, but we do know that most of the time people use God's gift of free will to do good things.
Over time children tend to be quite resilient, especially if they experience a loving, assuring presence from the adults in their life. While time doesn't necessarily heal a wound, it does give us some distance from the trauma and changes our perspective. Please remember there is no set timetable for recovery from trauma. Shaming words like "you should be over that by now" only slow the process. Children and adults alike need time to process their feelings and emotions and no one can do that for you - but it helps to have people to do it with you. Isolation is bad - connection, connection, connection is the headline.
Copyrighted Material - Mike Marino, PhD
